The Legend of Zelda: A New Hero
by Sky Stormsong
Summary: ONE-SHOT PARODY! Another regular day in Hyrule brings another capture of Princess Zelda. As Link goes to save her he comes upon a gruesome but surprising discovery. FULL SUMMARY INSIDE! Rated T!


Title: The Legend of Zelda: A New Hero

Genre: Action, Adventure, Humor, Tragedy

Rated: T (violence, language, blood, mature themes)

Author: GoddessJess

Summary: ONE-SHOT PARODY! Another regular day in Hyrule brings another capture of Princess Zelda. As Link goes to save her he comes upon a gruesome but surprising discovery.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda. I'll put the characters back when I'm done :D

A/N: This is a PARODY! No offense is to be taken. If you don't like it, don't read it. You've been warned!

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Navi darted into the green hero's tree house screaming, "Link, Princess Zelda has been captured by Gagnon!"

Link groaned and rolled over facing the wall. "I'll go save her later. Zelda will be okay until then." Soft snoring came from the legendary hero and Navi sighed frustrated.

"You idiot! Wake UP!" She started ramming herself into him, but it didn't wake him up. Link continued to sleep through her attempts to wake him up.

0o0o0

While Navi tried to wake up the Hero of Hyrule, Princess Zelda was being chained to a wall by the evil and diabolic Gagnon!

"Oh, evil and diabolic Gagnon, what ever are you going to do to me this time?" asked Zelda in a monotone and mock scared voice.

Gagnon pulled on the chains to make sure they were secure and dramatically flipped his cape off his shoulder. "This time I have come up with a flawless plan to capture and kill Link, Hero of Time." He laughed evilly with a few coughs and chokes between it.

Zelda rolled her eyes. "And what makes you think your 'flawless plan' will work this time? Link is the Hero of Many Names I Can't Remember Right Now! He'll kick your ass like he did every other time before!"

Another evil laugh and this time Gagnon didn't cough or choke! "That is where my plan is different than all the others, my sweet, beautiful, clueless and totally defenseless Princess Zelda," he said caressing the princess's cheek with his thumb. She tensed and bit his thumb off. Blood squirted from the veins in his thumb and he howled in pain. "Oh, the agony, the AGONY! Why you!" He slapped the princess leaving an imprint of his hand. Tears started to swell in her eyes and she started sobbing.

"You meanie!" she sobbed.

Gagnon, who didn't know what to do with crying princesses, panicked and ran from the room making sure to dramatically swish his cape on the way out the door. Zelda stopped crying and laughed an evil yet sexy laugh of her own. "Stupid villain."

Remembering some episode of some TV show she watched last week, Zelda expertly undid the handcuffs and loosened them so when Gagnon got back she could look like she never escaped. She searched through the folds of her dress for the sword Link got her for her birthday with a beautiful ruby encrusted Z on the handle. She gripped the handle and expertly thrust and parried at an imaginary opponent.

0o0o0

Now back to the Hero of Many Names. Navi had finally waked up Link and the hero in green was heading his way to Hyrule Castle.

"We got to hurry, Link! Who knows what the evil and diabolic Gagnon is doing to Princess Zelda?" worried Navi.

Link snorted. "Nothing. He'll lock her up in a room and then go about his 'world domination' crap he always does until I appear and punch a big fucking hole in his plans." He launched forward at an imaginary enemy and jumped back to his feet with a satisfied smile. "He's no match for this hero."

"You're full of yourself. You know that, right?"

"Whatever."

0o0o0

After Gagnon was sure that Zelda would not be crying now, he walked back into the room where he had locked her up. She was the way he had left him, dangling slightly off the wall from chains. He smirked and walked up to Hyrule's princess. Zelda looked up as he approached.

"What now, Gagnon?"

He grinned. "Just came to check on the lovely and beautiful Zelda."

She rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh." Getting an idea, Zelda asked, "Why did you capture me again? And please tell in FULL detail."

"Hoho! Well, it's all an elaborate plan really…" Gagnon started turning his back to the princess. While he gave his speech with huge hand gestures, Zelda slipped her hands quietly out of the handcuffs and pulled out her sword. She silently walked up to the evildoer and tapped his on the shoulder with the sword.

"What! I was in the middle of my plan to kill Link!" he growled turning to see a VERY pissed Zelda with a sword out of her chains. "Uh-oh."

0o0o0

"Finally, the castle!" Link huffed dropping onto the marble steps without catching the attention of the guards. He pushed the doors open to an elaborate front hall and ran inside going for the nearest set of stairs he knew led upstairs from his past sneak-ins when he came to see Zelda in the middle of the night for some midnight fun. Thinking of that made Link's pants a little too tight and he forced his mind onto other matters for the moment like saving the princess.

"Link! I hear voices in this room!" called Navi. Link kicked open the door to a scene that made him dry heave. Navi dropped to the floor too shocked to fly. He pulled it closed a slight blush rising to his cheeks.

"Wrong room, Navi."

"I know…" she mumbled from the floor. "You go on ahead. I'll catch up when I remember how to fly."

"All right." Link continued to run up the stairs all the way to the very top of the castle where a huge room was. He kicked open the door and it hit the wall with a huge BAM! Brandishing his sword he yelled, "All right, Gagnon! Hands where I can see them!"

Walking into the room he only found Zelda covered in blood spatters. She held a sword in hand. The walls behind her were also covered in blood spatters and flesh. Link threw up on the floor at the sight.

"My goddess, woman! What the hell did you do?" he exclaimed.

She looked around and gave a huge, sexy smile. "I saved myself."

Link raised an eyebrow. "Huh." He smiled. "Cool."

Zelda looked down at her clothes and made a face. "Ick. I'm covered in blood. I need a shower."

A light bulb appeared above Link's head. "Mind if I join you?"

She walked up to him and brushed herself against a very sensitive spot of his body. "Not at all, my hero."

"I think you're the hero this time, Zelda." He whispered distracted.

0o0o0

Navi finally remembered how to fly and darted up all the way to the room where Zelda was. When she arrived she found nothing but blood.

"Oh dear goddess!" She fainted. Navi never did like the sight of blood.

**THE END**

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